We are already hitting 2019 hard with us about to knock on February’s door and I’m only posting this now. Before you jump down my pants, I was still trying my best to get a clear idea of what worked and what didn’t back in 2018.
All I know is…
2018 was a total bitch! (And I know I’m not the only one who feels this way).
Last year handed me my ass and left my wig on backwards. Upside down even. In fact, non-existent because well, your girl doesn’t even own a wig. Shem!
2018 has been one of the most difficult years of my life. It has been an arduous journey.
What was meant to be a clear trajectory to the finish line (or 2018 at least), got all muddled up. Things were not what they were supposed to be and lifelong dreams coming true can mess with your head more than you can imagine.
Yeah, I did my justice training all while starting a new job, holding down a difficult relationship, doing the Miss Independent thing and managing not to sell the kitty for mad coin. A dream come true right?
Okay, maybe just a little bit of a dream come true.
Really, are we doing this? For real, for real?
Okay yeah, it’s kind of a must, to get a little bit of self reflection into the program. End cycles are such a crazy time for all of us.
Anyway, here we go…
For me, 2018 was particularly brutal and littered with so many B words. Bad words.
Breakups. Bye girl/s. Broke/n. Breathe.
I was broken. Heartbroken. And because of this heartbreak, I went to a place I never thought I would (again), and not once but twice! A mental place. Or jail, considering the fact that I was basically a prisoner of my thoughts and emotions. I was about to end it all guys, and that’s not even a joke. I felt life and it’s hardships on a deeper, richer, soul level. I sought out mental and emotional help.
I lost a couple of meaningful friendships. Lost my belongings (including one of my favourite jackets my boyfriend bought me). Lost love (and found it again) and a place that had been so important to me. Lost my entire sense of self. Who was I? I no longer knew but it was clear that something was forcefully directing me down a very different path.
I was also filled with a lot of regret. Regret for the choices I’ve made and for the various things I’ve allowed to continue, for much too long. When I look over my 2018 goal list, I realised how little I had actually accomplished. I felt defeated. And there it was yet again, staring at me with big black eyes…regret.
Like I said…Brutal!
I have to laugh at it now. It seems ridiculous to me. I’ve never in my life been “that” girl. Needless to say, it was a shocking experience.
But I’m lucky. The year 2018 wasn’t just about the bad and the brutal. It wasn’t just about heartbreak and loss. It was also about being brave. It was also about growing. It was also about learning and acceptance. More importantly, it was about putting my big girl panties on, and keeping it moving.
I learned that growing has a lot to do with finally being able to accept the hard truths of the lessons given – even if that truth is YOU were the cause of your own destruction.
I learned that acceptance is knowing that you will not magically change into the person you want to be. You need to put effort into it.
I learned that “keeping it moving” involved choosing with all your might to see the beauty in really difficult times. And the truest beauty is in how we choose to rebuild ourselves after being burnt to ash.
I feel as though I’ve gone through one of the toughest years of my life, but I’ve definitely learned a lot. The greatest lesson of all was learning about myself as I grow older and becoming more independent. I’m so proud of everything that I’ve achieved in 2018, despite everything I’ve been through, and how I’ve come out on the other side.
I may not have tangibly gotten everything on my list done, but I made it through the year, and that’s no small feat. I can honestly say I’ve spent the last month processing and recovering from everything in 2018.
Like I said, it was brutal.
For 2019, I’m gearing up for even bigger and greater things. In fact, it has started off on the right side of the track and from this standpoint, I can already tell that this race? This is my shit B!
How was your year? Let me know in the comments below.
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